Mr. Wilson: Errand runner; sin in the office

Ben is the “errand runner” at work. (We work at the same place: USU) He has the coveted job in the office. He gets to walk around campus in the afternoon picking up donations from the different departments while I sit in front of a computer fighting with all my strength to keep my eyes opened. Did you know that you CAN fall asleep with your eyes opened? Oh, it’s possible, trust me. Sometimes, while my eyes are wide opened, my head will suddenly snap and I’ll realize that I’ve been unconscious, and I usually don’t know for how long.

I don’t know how people handle working in an office all their lives. I guess the cost of living can be a pretty good motivator.



My dream, though, is to be like my friend. I will not name her name, but I will describe her. She’s a jolly large rosy-cheeked German woman, with braids on the sides of her head, and Viking horns on special occasions. She speaks English with a thick hearty German accent, and eats Wiener schnitzel for breakfast. She enjoys swimming for some reason. (You know who you are) Her dream is my dream. I think she told me once that she wants to live all alone on the top of a mountain. Or something like that. Of course, she wouldn’t be all alone, there would be SMELLY OLD GOATS surrounding her little cottage. (I bet that now some people have figured out who she is.) I would substitute the goats for Ben, of course.



Exciting things do happen at work, though. Just the other day, around 8:15 in the morning, a co-worker busts out the giant bag of … CHOCOLATE! “Breakfast of champions,” I think to myself. Well, apparently there are more champions in the office than I would have suspected. She refilled the candy dish with her chocolate. What once held some innocent breath mints and other hard candies now bulged with “fun-size” Kit Kats, Hershey’s, Whoppers, and various sinful delights. I’ve never heard word spread faster.



“(So and so) put CHOCOLATE in the candy dish!!” “Hurry and get some before it’s gone!!” “But, it’s too early in the morning for CHOCOLATE!” “But it’s a matter of life or death – if I don’t get some CHOCOLATE now, I’m going to DIE!!” “I will never see a piece of candy in my life again – this is it!” “It’s the end of the world!” I didn’t know my fellow office-mates could move so lithely!



What did I do? I stared open-mouthed, drool dripping to my chin, and watched the miraculous event. Sadly, I missed my chance. By the time the massacre was over, there were only a few Whoppers left. I don’t like Whoppers. Those poor Kit-Kats and Hershey’s didn’t know what was coming for them that frosty stark early morning. The next day, the carnage was gone. All that was left in the candy dish were a few lonely boring breath mints and some mini Tootsie-Pops (left-over Halloween candy).