Boxelder bugs are out to get me

It’s the middle of the winter! Come on! Why on earth are there still boxelder bugs roaming around?

This morning at work there was one over by the coat rack. My heart starting beating feverishly and my adrenaline pumped up. I cannot handle any kind of creepy-crawley, and boxelders just seem to be the worst. I’m told they are “harmless” but I don’t believe it. They always fly in my face and crawl down my shirts!

So, by the coat rack, I pushed the ugly buggy to the floor, but when I went to step on it, it was gone. That’s another thing I hate – they blend in to everything! I gave up (mostly because I think people were wondering if I was OK crouching around nervously by the coat rack).
I went to my desk and all was well for a few hours. But then, out of nowhere, the horrid thing was above my head, on the shelf over my computer!!!!!! Panic, panic, panic, panic!!! Why can’t I have a calm reaction to this?? I get a Kleenex and grab the boxelder, but of course I don’t dare to actually smash it. I throw it away in the trash can under my desk. Yeah, BIG mistake.

I was hoping that somehow it got killed. But, sure enough, it started crawling up my “cubicle” wall. WHAT DOES IT WANT WITH ME?!?!?! My armpits are sweating by now and my hands are shaking. I get a post-it sticky note and push it to the floor once again. DUR! How come it can disappear? I spend about 5 minutes searching under and around my desk for the bugger, but could not find it.

I try to go back to work, but I’m so shaky. I know it will come back for me. I know it, I know it. My eyes dart around my little 2 X 2 foot “workspace” like a paranoid heroin addict.
After a while, I am able to calm down a little, though. Whew. Maybe it’s really gone. But, of course it’s not. I see the tiny black, blurry movement from the corner of my eye first. Then I see it all: about 3 inches from my typing arms the boxelder is coming for me AT TOP SPEED! I’ve never seen an insect move so FAST!!! Have mercy! I’m sorry I tried to kill you! Please, just leave me alone! I won’t do it again! I moved my arm and it changed it’s course. It was CHASING me!

Somewhere, something within me clicked. I worked quickly. I scooped the bug with the post-it again, and followed it carefully to see where it landed on the floor. AND I CRUSHED IT’S LITTLE EVIL GUTS!!!!!!!!! I BEAT THE BOXELDER! YES!!!!!!!!! VINDICTION!
But, I swear the thing is haunting me. Ever since I killed it, I swear, I’ve been feeling creepy-crawley tiny insect legs ALL OVER MY BODY. Down my shirt. On my leg. On my neck. On my head. I can’t stop flinching everytime I feel it, but of course, there’s nothing there when I check.

Am I going to make it through this day? Am I going to let a tinsy tiny black and red bug with long hair-like legs ruin my life? Um, I think it already has. Sure, I won this time. But I know that buggy is talking to all his friends from the buggy heaven. I know they’re going to come after me for revenge. I know it. I know it.