A non-Mormon expert on Mormonism

Yesterday I covered a lecture here at USU and wrote about it for the Deseret News!

Jan Shipps, described as "one of the most trustworthy scholars on Mormonism" spoke about her research and latest book. It was very interesting! She spoke with a southern accent and handled questions from some very serious "ex-Mormons" trying to get dirt about the Mormon religion! (She gave them nothing despite thier persistance)

Anyway, here is the link in the Mormon Times:

Mormon neighbors have taken Shipps on a real trip

Mr. Wilson: Errand runner; sin in the office

Ben is the “errand runner” at work. (We work at the same place: USU) He has the coveted job in the office. He gets to walk around campus in the afternoon picking up donations from the different departments while I sit in front of a computer fighting with all my strength to keep my eyes opened. Did you know that you CAN fall asleep with your eyes opened? Oh, it’s possible, trust me. Sometimes, while my eyes are wide opened, my head will suddenly snap and I’ll realize that I’ve been unconscious, and I usually don’t know for how long.

I don’t know how people handle working in an office all their lives. I guess the cost of living can be a pretty good motivator.



My dream, though, is to be like my friend. I will not name her name, but I will describe her. She’s a jolly large rosy-cheeked German woman, with braids on the sides of her head, and Viking horns on special occasions. She speaks English with a thick hearty German accent, and eats Wiener schnitzel for breakfast. She enjoys swimming for some reason. (You know who you are) Her dream is my dream. I think she told me once that she wants to live all alone on the top of a mountain. Or something like that. Of course, she wouldn’t be all alone, there would be SMELLY OLD GOATS surrounding her little cottage. (I bet that now some people have figured out who she is.) I would substitute the goats for Ben, of course.



Exciting things do happen at work, though. Just the other day, around 8:15 in the morning, a co-worker busts out the giant bag of … CHOCOLATE! “Breakfast of champions,” I think to myself. Well, apparently there are more champions in the office than I would have suspected. She refilled the candy dish with her chocolate. What once held some innocent breath mints and other hard candies now bulged with “fun-size” Kit Kats, Hershey’s, Whoppers, and various sinful delights. I’ve never heard word spread faster.



“(So and so) put CHOCOLATE in the candy dish!!” “Hurry and get some before it’s gone!!” “But, it’s too early in the morning for CHOCOLATE!” “But it’s a matter of life or death – if I don’t get some CHOCOLATE now, I’m going to DIE!!” “I will never see a piece of candy in my life again – this is it!” “It’s the end of the world!” I didn’t know my fellow office-mates could move so lithely!



What did I do? I stared open-mouthed, drool dripping to my chin, and watched the miraculous event. Sadly, I missed my chance. By the time the massacre was over, there were only a few Whoppers left. I don’t like Whoppers. Those poor Kit-Kats and Hershey’s didn’t know what was coming for them that frosty stark early morning. The next day, the carnage was gone. All that was left in the candy dish were a few lonely boring breath mints and some mini Tootsie-Pops (left-over Halloween candy).

Good Luck Emily!

I just want to wish EMILY the best of luck at the 5A high school state swimming championships this weekend!

Swim your hardest! You've worked for it and you know it! (And I know it too -- I've heard about your workouts.)

GO EMILY!!

We love you!

Utah vs. BYU swim meet live online!

Apparently, someone is filming the Utah-BYU meet tonight, and it will be streamed live online! I heard about this through Facebook, and I’m not sure exactly how it will work or how trusty will be. But I sure hope it comes through! (Now if I only had Internet at home)

It should be at this link, 6 p.m. (MST): http://www.floswimming.org/videos/coverage/view/234607-byu-utah

There is already a video posted that tells who will win "on paper." It's a different story live though!

GO UTES!

I agree with John Lennon: I’m soooooo tired, I cannot stay awake

The other day at work I was sitting next to this girl. It was the afternoon. I am not kidding you when I say she yawned once every 10 seconds! I could tell she was devoting all her energy to holding her eyes open. She was restlessly clicking through the Internet and taking sips from her water bottle about every 30 seconds (every time she took a drink, she unscrewed the cap, and when she was done she screwed it back on only to repeat the process 25 seconds later.) Next came a sharp intake of air preceding a rather loud exhale (Yawn after yawn after yawn). After about 10 minutes of this I started twitching, and had to put my headphones on and turn up the music. For some reason, I have a hard time listening to people yawn without end. Maybe because it’s contagious, I don’t know.

Does anyone know that feeling, when you feel like you can’t help but yawn every 10 seconds? You’re usually bored, your throat starts to feel like it’s tightening or closing up, your eyelashes feel like they’ve got barbells tied in them, you kind of have hungry breath, and your brain starts twitching? You actually think about trying one of those high-caffiene-sugar-loaded-pee-colored-with-alcohol-hidden-inside drinks that come in the tall skinny cans? Well, at the moment, I am thankful for this feeling, because it lets me know I’m still alive!! (I read too many obituaries)

IN OTHER NEWS: One of my mother’s old flings from Cyprus High teaches institute here at USU! We wanted to take one of his classes, but they don’t really fit into our schedules. I’ll give you a hint at who he is: He STILL holds Utah Age Group swimming records, and I think he may hold some high school records as well. (In high school, he went .49 in the 100 yard butterfly!) He wrote lovey-dovey notes in my mom’s yearbooks that I’ve sneakily read!!!

I think all the Utah boys got kicked off American Idol. That includes the Osmond guy.

Utah Swimming hosts BYwho in a “Black Out” meet tomorrow!!! Fans are encouraged to wear black at the meet! I would give my right foot to be at that meet. GO UTES – KICK SOME UGLY COUGAR TRASH! GOOD LUCK TO ALL THE KEARNS HIGH ALUMNI!

I can’t keep up with everything going with the legislature.

Job-searching in this economy is scary.

I miss the swimmers.

Last night I was reading through the Splash magazine, a magazine published by USA Swimming, that anyone registered with USA Swimming receives for free every two months. (I am registered because I was a coach less than a year ago. I’m not sure how long that registration lasts, and I wouldn’t be upset if USA Swimming just kept on sending me Splash after it ends.)

I saw this picture of a group of about 5 girls in suits, some had towels wrapped around them, some had warm-ups on. They were gathered around their coach, who was sitting in a chair near the starting blocks. Some of the girls were standing; one was sitting on the floor, stretching her legs. They all had their hair pulled up into messy “swimmer” buns on top of their heads, so that, when they put their caps on, they look like cone heads. One girl was behind the coach, looking over his shoulder at something he was holding – probably a heat sheet.

I stared at this picture for probably three minutes – I don’t even know what the caption or story was about, if it even had a caption or story. I wave of nostalgia flowed over me.

Oh, I miss the swimmers! What strong people they are! I remember walking around at meets in the summer, passing huge girls with dried out skin stretching over their faces, with, of course, the swimmer “buns” – I think there’s two meanings there – and feeling intimidated. Swimmer girls are not like other girls. They have a crazed confidence – they’ll pee in the pool, then fill up their mouths with the water and spit it out at someone. Wedgies are uncomfortable, but they don’t care if they flip turn and their butt is hanging out. The Russian women water polo players, for instance, literally had thongs for the butts in their suits – does anyone else besides me remember that? They’ll walk around in a too-tight swimming suit with legs that haven’t been shaved for six months.

But, more than any of that, they have mental strength. They have to in order to be able to do the great amount of work they do with the very little, if any, reward received.

When the day came that I quit swimming competitively, I was relieved. But a chunk of my life was removed after that. And I’ve been going downhill ever since. I feel WEAK now. My sisters are constantly reminding me that my muscle mass has seriously deteriorated. But, even more disabling than that, I feel mentally weak. My crazed confidence – and it wasn’t even that great when I was younger – is gone. I often feel like I’m incapable of doing anything, even just cooking food that tastes good. I know that when I quit swimming, it was time for me to quit. I just wasn’t prepared for what exactly that meant for me. I don’t always have the best reactions to things that happen, like other people do. I mean, look at Ben. He vowed to never set foot in a pool again, and his mental capacity has grown exponentially ever since! His belly has too, though. Just kidding, Benji.

So, I’m striving to re-live my swimming years through Emily’s swimming career. But, it’s hard to do, because I never get to go to any of her meets. (USU and WSU need to trade places!! Grrr…) What am I going to do when she’s done though? Why does it have to end? I guess I should ask, why did the crazed confidence have to end? That's what I miss the most. My Dad would say, “It’s just how life is.” At least I have the memories of how it all felt.

OTHER NEWS: Ben got a brace for his wrist. He’s been having bad pain for a couple weeks, and finally went to the doctor; to find out he has tendinitis. It looks very cute on him, but is heart-wrenching at the same time.

Let it rip! (This one's for you, Ben)

During our lunch break, we were walking to our Institute class. It was also a class break for the entire university, so there were a lot of people walking about.

I said to Ben, “Did you let one in the office on our way out, cause I smelled something bad where you were standing.”

“No, Maddie. Don’t you remember what I told you last week?”

“Umm,” I tried to remember, “You said you always admit it whenever you let one?”

“No,” he responded, “I said that if I let one in that office, I’m going to really RIP one loose.”

Meaning it’s going to be as loud and rumbly as he can make it.

I start cracking up thinking about how funny/awkward that situation would be. By now, Ben’s on a roll, and continues to make noises with his mouth demonstrating some of the possibilities of the flatulence.

But he’s not being very quiet about it. I start talking about SBDs (silent, but deadlies), but he doesn’t catch my hint and keeps making the loud demonstrations of gas being passed. (Apparantly, Ben “doesn’t ever really have” SBDs, except in one situation that is probably a little over the edge to post on this public domain.) I feel people’s eyes on us, so I smack Ben on the arm, and hurry ahead, hoping people don’t realize I’m with this free-flowing individual.

Well, Ben, hopefully now we can both say that we’ve been humiliated today! I love you!